How To Move From Casual Intimacy Into A Relationship – Dating To Relating For Men – 8/2/10
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
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Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions can not be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, I already have a casual intimate relationship with a woman, I met about two months ago. It is not serious. We get together about once a week. Problem is I am beginning to have some feelings for her and think I might really like her. Can I develop a real relationship with her? Or is it too late? How would I go about doing this?
Answer: Well, this is unusual. Most of the time, guys are trying to figure out how to develop a relationship with a girl they haven’t been intimate with. Yes, it is possible but it does present some unique challenges.
First of all you need to find out where this woman stands. If you guys are having a casual intimate relationship, you need to know if that is something she wants to maintain or if she, like you, is starting to feel different about things.
Now if you go about this the wrong way, you can scare her off. So be careful. A lot of times people who are coming out of a divorce or a break up want an intimate relationship but they don’t want commitment or feeling like they are getting close to someone. They are trying to protect themselves from being hurt by not getting close.
Of course this will heal in time, but the time factor can take one, two or even three years for some people. If you really like someone and feel they are worth the wait, you can seal the deal by not putting any pressure on them during this time, maintaining the casual relationship and just being there for them when they are ready for something else.
Most of the time, these type of things don’t work out because one person is too impatient to wait and puts pressure on the other person who is not ready, so they end up in a spat and a break up.
Now, from your question we know nothing about this woman. She could be a career “no commitment” type or recently divorced or one or two years down the road after a break up.
So you need to ask a lot of questions in a neutral sort of way, so that you do not play your hand in case she is not ready for your feelings. The best way to maintain neutrality is to not originate questions out of the blue, but to play off of her originations.
For example, if she mentions her ex and berates him, you could say, “Sounds like you guys didn’t have a very good relationship.” If she says, “Yeah,” you could come back with something like, “So does that mean you hate all men, or do you think he was just a bully?”
If she says, “No, I don’t hate all men, blah, blah, blah,” then she might be more ready for a relationship then if she says “Yeah.”
The conversations you will have with her will be very situational so I can’t tell you what to exactly say and ask in this short column, but perhaps you get the idea. What you don’t want to ask are questions about you and your relationship with her. That is not neutral and could get you in trouble if she is not ready for anything serious.
So don’t say things like, “How do you feel about our relationship?” or “I am starting to have feelings for you,” etc. until you know if she is ready and can handle this type of topic. If she is not, you just need to keep informed of her general feelings about men and relationships until she is ready to get serious with someone again.
Mr. L. Rx
read moreHow To Talk To Women – Dating To Relating For Men – 8/23/10
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
Released by AssociatedNews.US
Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions can not be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, how do you talk to women in order to attract them?
Answer: Now, I have a question for you. What do you mean by talk? Do you mean actual communication? Communication is talk that results in someone understanding what you are saying, from your point of view.
But there is another type of talk. Talk aimed at producing a result. It is aimed at getting someone to do something or it is aimed at creating an effect on someone. We don’t really care if the person understands our viewpoint as long as what we said gets them to do or be or have whatever it is we want them to do or be or have. Any parent knows that if you tell a two year old “not” to do something, he will do it. So that is the type of talk we are referring to with this definition. It doesn’t require understanding. It is just a matter of what we say produces the desired effect on another.
Casual talk on the other hand, doesn’t have much to do with understanding, or a particular desired effect. (Unless we say that the desired effect is a pleasant time while conversing with another.) Casual talk is just something to do to take up time; it can be interesting and entertaining even, but not much to do with understanding or a desired effect on another outside of a pleasant time conversing.
Then there are those people who talk to achieve emotional release. They talk about something that is bothering them for a while and they feel better and get an emotional release. They again are not looking for any type of understanding, or to create a desired effect on another, or to have a pleasant time with another. They just want someone who will listen long enough so they can get an emotional release.
So right there we have at least four different purposes to or types of “talk.”
Now oddly enough, personality factors intersect with these various different types of talk, because some personalities specialize in one of the types of talk more than the others.
We all have the friend who just talks and talks about their problem trying to achieve some emotional release. They don’t want your advice or attempts to solve their problem. They just need to talk.
We all have the buddies that we can just shoot the breeze with. Nothing in particular to talk about. Just pleasant conversation.
And we all have good and bad experiences with people who say things in order to get us to react in one way or another.
Now here is where personality comes in again. Obviously if you were talking to a woman who was a personality type that specialized in emotional release – you would attract her by listening to her unburden herself and achieve emotional release. If you were talking to a personality type that just like to have a pleasant time – then chatting in a pleasant way about nothing in particular would score you big points. Just don’t bring that conversation into “unpleasant” realms and you will do just fine on “attraction”.
Now if you are with the type of personality that needs to create effects on you or needs an effect created on herself, then let them do so or do so to them and you will do fine on the attraction vector. And if you are with the type of women who longs for understanding and being understood, then achieve understanding in your conversation and you will achieve attraction.
Mr. L. Rx
read moreNot Cocky And Not Funny – Well Maybe A Little Bit Funny – Dating To Relating For Men – 8/16/10
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
Released by AssociatedNews.US
Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions can not be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, I am attracted to this girl at the campus store. She is really hot. But she is really cold to me. I don’t think she has a boyfriend, but whenever I say, “Hi,” with a big smile, it doesn’t work. She just gives me a cold stare and says, “How can I help you?” What do I do?
Answer: Well, if you have been following my writing, you would know that my recurring theme is that people have different personalities and different personalities require different approaches.
A “Hi” with a smile might work on most people but it won’t work on all personalities. When I was a young man I did door to door sales. “Hi” with a big smile and a funny joke is how I opened most conversations door to door. It worked like a charm in middle class neighborhoods.
One day, however, they dropped me in an upper middle class neighborhood. And I was shocked. My “Hi” with a big smile got me a lot of “fear” reactions with doors slammed quickly in my face. These were upper middle class very-good-looking women that were doing the door-slamming fear-reaction.
I was a skilled salesman by this time however as I had started door to door sales at eleven years old. I learned quickly to “mimic” people when I didn’t have the right presentation or my presentation or personality wasn’t doing well.
So I quickly changed my strategy with these upper middle class “hot” housewives and I mimicked their style. Instead of a “Hi” and a smile, I said “Hi” and told them the same joke but in a very “dry” deadpan manner with absolutely no smile or expression at all.
Instead of slamming the door in my face, they all laughed at my joke, opened the door and invited me in. You see, to some personalities, and in some environments, a “smiling face” is not to be trusted.
I have even used the same strategy when approaching women in stores or on the street, such as in your situation. For example, there was this woman who was really hot ( like a 9.5/10) that worked at a Louis Vuitton store in the mall. I went by and targeted her for a slow multiple-come-back approach. I initially approached her with a smile and a “Hi” and friendly conversation (which works on most mall store employees).
She talked to me but was very cold and not friendly at all. After about three times, I realized she was not the right personality type for that approach and I changed to my deadpan “humor’ with no smile. I caught her out in front of a “fast food” place eating a cheap burrito or something and said in my best deadpan voice, with no smile and an extremely deadpan expression, “So that’s how you spend your time, huh, eating cheap burritos.”
She laughed and laughed and laughed. And the next time I walked into her store she was all over me with conversation. She would practically tell me her life story when I would go into the store. Best of all, she asked me out, after a couple of more visits. She also changed her attitude. I didn’t have to keep up the deadpan stuff. I was able to go back to being cheerful with a smile.
But not all personalities are like that. Some women you have to keep up the deadpan routine forever. (Like the upper middle class housewives, for instance.) In this case, however, she was one of those really hot women who just didn’t trust “smiling” men who approach them. So she had her defenses up but this wasn’t really her personality. Once I got past that point with the deadpan routine, I could put the smile back on and she could be herself.
Like I said, everyone is different. The way you figure it out is with a lot of experience and a lot of keen observation. And if you are short on experience and observation, then get yourself a copy of “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”.
Mr. L. Rx
read moreGuy Gets Girl’s Phone Number In Five Minutes – Dating To Relating For Men – 8/9/10
Dating To Relating For Men- Advice By Mr. L. Rx
Released by AssociatedNews.US
Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z”. Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions can not be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, I saw a video in which a guy got a girl’s phone number in five minutes. But it is one of the guys you say are “ten percenters”. What do you mean by that?
Answer: Without naming names, a lot of the men’s dating gurus just give you strategies that will work “ten percent” of the time. (And when I say “ten percent” I don’t mean that literally. It could be twenty percent or one percent or thirty percent. What I mean is they don’t get the eighty to ninety percent results that we do.)
I saw a video the other day myself. In it a guy approached a woman, told her how he found her very attractive and asked for her phone number so they could talk some more. He was polite, friendly and he got it.
Now, the problem with this video is you don’t know how many girls he had to approach to find one that this would work on and you don’t know what happened afterwards.
There was even a major dating guru site that just came out with a book on how to approach women in the daytime, on the street, etc. I bought it and read it. It is the same thing as the video – memorized lines and strategies that won’t yield any better results than ten percent.
I have friends who do this kind of stuff all the time for years. They are very skilled at being friendly and all and getting phone numbers. You would think they were successful, but the bottom line is, it is a numbers game for them. They approach ten women, say the same things and get one phone number.
What you don’t see is that afterwards they only get perhaps just a third of the girls who will return their calls. And after that, only another one out of ten will go out with them. Then when they manage to get a date, only one out of ten will go on a second date with them.
Now, as poor a system as this is, for a lonely guy who has nothing going on this is a godsend. If you just keep at it, the numbers are eventually in your favor and you will get dates and perhaps even a girlfriend sooner or later.
At Dating To Relating, we don’t use number games. We teach guys how to communicate and how to recognize differences in personalities. We teach guys how to be situational. We teach guys how to be successful being themselves, not robots.
Guys trained by us do not have to use memorized lines. They can think on their feet and come up with situationally appropriate conversation.
Guys that we train can approach ten women and get eight phone numbers. They can expect eight out of ten of those women to respond to their phone call when they make it. And they can expect eight out of ten of those women to go on dates with them and they can expect eight out of ten of those first dates to go on a second, third, fourth date with them.
Anybody can come up with some smooth memorized talk to get a phone number or date, but turning those situations into relationships takes a little more than memorized lines. That is what we teach you and that is why we call it DATING to RELATING.
Mr. L. Rx
read moreDating To Relating For Men – Advice By Mr. L. Rx
Released by AssociatedNews.US 
Mr. L. Rx is the author of the popular DatingToRelating.com website and the author of the popular book “Dating To Relating – From A To Z.” Have a question? Send it to Column@DatingToRelating.com and it may be selected for answer in this column. (Sorry all questions can not be answered.)
Question: Mr. L. Rx, what kind of mistakes have you made on dates that lost you women? What is the best strategy to use when going on second and third dates, etc.
Answer: I have made plenty of mistakes. There is no one right way for a guy to behave with a woman. But if you use a strategy you will only be right 10-30 percent of the time. If you simply talk to women, ask questions and listen to the answers, they will tell you where they are at about things and what to do to get them. If you approach it this way, you can be right 70-90 percent of the time.
I close about 90 percent of the women I meet on a first date for a second date. And when I get a second date, it is a done deal. A relationship is mine if I want it.
I have made plenty of mistakes over the years however. But usually the ones I lose are the oddball crazy ones. The ones that don’t fit any pattern that I have seen before, but are none-the-less crazy.
For example, I have lost women on dates 2-5 by not being sexually aggressive enough. This usually happened when women were giving me mixed signals. Telling me either verbally or with body language that they didn’t want to have sex yet, then ending things later complaining that I wasn’t aggressive enough.
I have also lost women on dates 2-5 by being too aloof. Usually hot women like it when I am aloof and not chasing after them. I never, never, never tell a woman she is “Hot” on the first date or even for a few dates after that. I might only begin to tell her after we are having sex, how hot I think she is. But occasionally you get a woman who is “hot” with very low self esteem and she needs that attention from guys that most hot women hate. I lose them because they are not confident enough in themselves to chase after me.
Losing the crazy ones is not a big deal to me, however. In fact, I prefer it.
But, if you are a little crazy yourself, you might like that type of girl. So when you get mixed signals or suspect that there may be some deeper insecurity issues or low self esteem going on with a girl that she is not revealing, be a little more observant. Expect the unexpected.
If I had been a little more observant, I probably wouldn’t have lost the crazy ones either.
And finally remember your sex gradients. I’ve talked about them before.
Remember that “Negative Sex talk” (I don’t like it when guys do this and guys do that”, “You can’t have sex with me, yet,” etc.) is the fist gradient of sexual interest. Positive sex talk is the next gradient.
The physical contact gradients come after those. Light touches with the hands while talking, holding hands, kissing, making out, petting, heavy petting, intercourse.
So when a girl is not touching you or kissing you, don’t necessarily give up on her. Talk to her. If she brings up “negative sex talk” or “positive sex talk” on her own, she is interested in you. But don’t you be the one to bring it up or she might go into “Negative sex talk” as a reaction not as a flirt. Listen to her and see what she originates. Once she brings it up either positive or negative, join in.
Mr. L. Rx
Posted in Columns, Dating To Relating.Tagged with Columns, Dating & Relationship Advice.
By adminFebruary 6, 2010
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